Choose To Forgive

My plan had been to write a blog post every week for 2018. Eight weeks into 2018 and I’m just now starting. What can I say? Life has a way of waylaying our plans.

Because I write Christian fiction based on actual life experiences and events – mine or others I know – my blog posts for the next 44 weeks will be about those things that have influenced my writing.

Forgiveness. Easy to say but not so easy to do. But, oh, the freedom in forgiveness. In December 2016, my dear friend and former pastor’s wife, Betty, went home to Jesus after a long struggle with Parkinson’s. The last week of her life, I went to the care facility every day to spend time with her and her family and friends who visited.

A young man our family had a history with showed up one evening. He hung back, talking with Betty’s son. “He’s afraid you will be upset he’s here,” someone said to me.

I was taken aback. It never occurred to me to be upset. Apparently, for years he had carried the weight of the wrong he had done against me, one of my daughters, and my family. The truth was that I had forgiven him years ago. So, I hugged him, conversed with him about his health – he had had a recent heart transplant – and I left later with a feeling of joy mixed with sadness. He had carried an unnecessary burden for so many years.

Needing a new heart, then having heart transplant surgery, is sure to cause a person to ponder his or her life. I’m sure this young man – I say young, he’s nearing 50 – thought about his mistakes and people he may have hurt.

We first knew him when he was a freshman in college. He encouraged a romance with my 12-year-old daughter that eventually led to her running away with him when she was 17. This story has many facets, details I won’t go into, things that shredded my heart during a time I was dealing with my divorce after 22 years of marriage.

  

I forgave. The young man – a talented musician – has been happily married for many years with a beautiful wife and three children. My daughter has been happily married for years – a pastor’s wife with three children.

He was there at Betty’s memorial service, on stage playing his trumpet with Betty’s son and others, honoring Betty with some of her favorite worship songs and hymns.

Considering eternity, what does it matter? With God’s help, I chose to forgive. If there’s someone you need to forgive, determine to do so. This wasn’t the first and only time I had to forgive a deep hurt. I’m not saying it’s easy, but it’s so worth it.

Mother's Day 2015

Mothers. Mother’s day. The day we honor mothers everywhere. If you have been blessed with a wonderful mother, then thank God. Not everyone is so fortunate. My dear mother has been gone for a year and a half now. Was she a perfect mother? No, but she was a good mother and loved us.

There is no such thing as a perfect mother. Or a perfect person. We are all flawed and fallible. I was a young mother – very young – three children by the time I was nineteen years old and two more by the time I was twenty-five. I was a grandmother ay thirty two. I have a lot of failures and regrets as a mother and grandmother.

But God is faithful. When I look back at that young, frustrated, high-strung, frightened, overwhelmed young mother I was, I want to hug her for every time she cried herself to sleep in defeat. I want to tell her to do the best she can in the circumstances she is dealing with.

There’s no magic formula for being a good mother. Except prayer. Prayer is a vital key. Don’t overlook it and don’t underestimate it. God, through your prayers, will make up the difference in your lack of parenting skills. It may take years before you're aware of this, but it will happen. 

If you’re children are small, shower them with love and make wonderful memories. If your children are gown and you are now a grandmother and great-grandmother like me, let it go.  My advice is simply this – forgive yourself.

Healing came to me when I allowed God to get it through my heart and spirit that I did the best I could while struggling in an unhappy, dysfunctional marriage. So this Mother’s Day in 2015, celebrate mothers everywhere. Celebrate you! 

A Grandmother/Great-Grandmother's 10 Tips For Mothers

I love children, which is fortunate since I had five, then later added three stepchildren. Now I have over twenty grandchildren and nine great-grandchildren. Here are my ten tips.

1.      The most important decision you will ever make in life is your choice of a life partner, soul mate, spouse. Choose wisely. This will have the greatest impact on your ability to be the best mother you can possibly be.

2.      Never belittle, criticize, ridicule, undermine or otherwise attack your husband to your children. Your children, especially your daughters will mimic your behavior someday with their own husbands.  The greatest sense of security you can give your children is the bond of love, respect, and trust between you and your husband.

3.      Take the time for one-on-one with your children. I know it’s hard to do in our busy society, especially when most mothers work outside the home. It’s also more difficult for mothers with several children. Even if it’s just five or ten minutes of reading, praying, playing or listening.

·         This is one of my greatest regrets, especially when I cuddle a grandchild or great-grandchild to read or sing and talk with them. My mind invariably travels back to when my kids were small and how I didn’t take, or have, the time to do this with them. I missed something so vital and precious with them that can never be recaptured.

4.      Listen! Listen, even if you’re busy. Listen, even if what your child is saying doesn’t seem important. When you don’t listen, it says to that child that he/she is NOT important enough to you. Take time to ask them how their day was, even if the whole day was spent with you and you already know how it was. It’s usually too late to establish communication when that child becomes a teenager and shuts you out.

5.      Accept all gifts with gratitude and kindness. That child loves you enough to pick that flower, draw, scribble or color that picture, give you a rock or other treasure they found outdoors, or grab you for a hug and kiss with dirty face and hands. Have that refrigerator covered with artwork from your children. Cherish it, save it to give to your adult children someday.

6.      Do NOT compare one child to another. Show no favoritism. Each child is unique, with different personalities, different talents, different sensitivities – each uniquely and wonderfully made. No child wants to feel like they don’t measure up to a sibling’s intelligence or accomplishments. And because of this uniqueness, punishment should be different, but fairly meted out.  What works for one child will not necessarily work for another.

7.      Create wonderful memories. Start family traditions, especially for holidays. Take vacations or staycations (where you stay home or in town) loaded with fun and fellowship – memories. If money is a problem, find freebie or inexpensive things to do. Check your local community events, go camping, camp, do water sports, or other things in your own backyard. Bake, cook and do crafts with your children. Take lots of pictures. Do scrapbooks and journals of your child’s life.

·         Now that I have adult children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren, sharing stories and memories, good and bad, is one of the favorite things we do. 

8.      Share family/ancestral history through stories and pictures. Give your children a sense of their roots. Encourage contact and interaction with other family outside of the immediate family: cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. I can’t stress enough how important family is. If you have adopted children, do not feel threatened or take it personally when they seek out birth parents. It’s innate in all of us to know our roots. If you feel threatened or violated by their need to discover their birth family, that’s your insecurity.

9.      Allow and encourage your children to pursue their dreams, goals, talents, and desires. If you don’t believe in them, how can they believe in themselves? Encourage, support, but don’t pressure and ramrod them. Also, along with this, please don’t live vicariously through your children. They are not your ticket to recapture or fulfill your own lost dreams and goals.

10.  Snoop!  This is probably the one thing that many people will disagree with me about. IF you suspect that your child is involved in something dangerous, criminal, unhealthy, threatening, immoral, or being bullied or may be suicidal, snoop! For no other reason should you violate their privacy, and certainly not because of your curiosity about their personal life. I dare to say that many parents regret not having done so if a tragedy could have been prevented, or the life of their child spared. It’s better to incur your child’s anger for snooping than to live with this form of regret.

I heard a preacher say one time that one of the greatest things God will hold us accountable for is the nurture and admonition of our children. Your greatest legacy will be the lives you've left behind to carry on.

Publishing That First Novel

    It’s that time of year that causes joy to arise in the heart of most parents – school has started! It’s always a little unsettling when it’s a child’s first day of school ever; unsettling for both the child and parent. Parents worry if people will love and appreciate the child like they do; will other kids pick on the child, are their bullies at the school, will others understand the child’s little quirks and qualities that you find endearing.
    My kids are grown and gone, have been for more years than I care to admit, but I remember the feeling of launching the child off to school. I did it five times. Now I am experiencing those same feelings, but not about my child. I’m feeling that way as I launch my first novel off to a publisher.
    Yikes! I am nervous and excited, I feel anxiety and apprehension. This is my “baby,” I have birthed this novel with sweat and tears, sleepless nights, second guessing, revision s, doubts and fears.
    It is time though. I have to do this. No more procrastinating. I’m starting the process tomorrow. Wish me luck. Better yet, pray for me, say a prayer. I don’t believe in luck, but I do believe that God orchestrates the lives of His children, and has His hand hovering over all that we do.