Wealth: The Blessing and The Curse

Whenever my husband and I hear someone say, "It's not about the money," we always look at each other and say, "It's always about the money."

Writing. Maybe, just maybe, I thought I would actually make money from writing. Okay, truth time. I kind of imagined I might actually make lots of money from writing. Isn't that a common dream? To get rich from your efforts?

Now, I simply wish my writing income would be greater than my expense. Okay, more truth. I don't do marketing. I mean, I really stink at it. So, what does that mean? In today's writing world, to make money you must market. *sigh* Does that mean I have no one to blame but myself?

Then I ask myself how would I handle wealth. Could I handle wealth? Fame? Would it change me? What kind of "rich" person would I be? Nice? Generous? Stingy? Prideful? Aloof? Do any of us truly know our hearts and how we would behave in certain circumstances?  Maybe, but maybe not.

We have dear friends of almost 30 years who own several fast food chains. By several, it might be close to 20. Good people who love Jesus and others. Great example of Christianity. They are generous, but not foolish, with their money. Encouragers. Prayer warriors. Money has helped them live a comfortable life, but having money has cost dearly.

Their sons have been/are business partners. The oldest, a family man, went through a divorce and married again. Per his request, he was bought out of the family business. Then he sued his parents for more. And won. Big, big money. Months later the current wife shot him in the head while he sat on a sofa, waited 23 minutes and called police. All caught on surveillance cameras. He died and the money the wife inherited paid for lawyers. She's in prison. This is taken from a news report, I x'd the wife's name out:
XXXXX entered the living room of her central Phoenix home armed with a handgun. Her husband was sitting on the couch, talking on the phone. She raised the gun, drew a bead and fired. She sat down on the couch as he lay dying and lit a cigarette. Finally, 23 minutes later, XXXXX called 911 and reported the shooting.

And now another business partner son is going through a divorce and his wife is suing his parents, our friends, for money. The heartache and trauma has cost these dear friends immensely. Other family members have taken advantage of them because they have money. Yet -- and this is important -- they are still loving, a great source of encouragement to others, and generous. Never blaming God. Their steadfast kindness has been a blessing to me, my husband, and family. Many times. And I don't mean with money. In fact, they have been gracious to us the past couple of weeks.

I weep for these good people. Would I, if I had wealth, behave as admirably in the face of adversity as our friends have? They have a beautiful home and lovely possessions. They can take a trip whenever they want. These are blessings and benefits of money.

Money can be a blessing. Sometimes it is a cursed thing to have. If I wrote of the above in a novel as a work of fiction, I'm sure some might scratch their heads and say so much tragedy could not happen to one couple who are such a good people.

It happened. The stress and grief have shown the true character of these dear friends. When I, or you, suffer from tragedy, what comes out of us?

Lessons From A Funeral

We had the memorial service Saturday, May 25, 2013 for my ex-husband who passed away unexpectedly of a stomach aneurysm. Ah, the things we discover about ourselves and others at a time like this. In the following lessons, please keep in mind I am referring to the death of an ex-spouse, someone you've had children with, which has a whole different set of dynamics.

·         Death is inevitable. Well, duh, you say! An old truth hit home to me: we almost never know when death will happen. Live your life as if each day may be your last. Throughout your life, be kind and treat others as you want to be treated. It’s better to err on the side of mercy and grace than anger and spitefulness.
 

·         We all leave a legacy. What do you want people to remember about you?  What will others say about you when you’re gone? A eulogy will be read -- make it the best it can be.

·         Carefully choose your mate and stay married for life. I am very, very happily remarried, but the truth remains – divorce adds a whole set of dynamics in family situations, and so much of it is not pleasant. Uncomfortable and awkward doesn’t come close to describing how everyone feels in a room where both ex-spouses are present, even if one spouse is deceased. Your choice of a marriage partner impacts family, friends and the children your union produces. When you say “I do,” trust me, doing includes many things.

·         Never assume you know how you will feel or act, or even what your attitude will be. Emotions erupted in me that I thought I'd dealt with. At times like this, it’s better to keep some feelings to yourself. Let God be the healer. It's what He does best.

·         Death and funerals bring out the best and worst in people. Of course most of us already know this, but it bears repeating. Don’t be surprised when tempers flare, feelings are hurt, and someone’s behavior embarrasses others. It happens. Hope for the best, prepare for the worse, and cover everything with prayer.

·         Don’t judge others. Don’t assume you know and understand how someone feels. You have no idea -- the unbiased, to-the-core truth -- about someone’s relationship with the deceased. Unless you’ve walked a mile in their shoes, which you haven’t, be careful about judging or criticizing their emotions or actions during a time like this.

·         The simplest expressions of sympathy are the best. A hug, and “I’m sorry” or “I’m praying for you” or “I love you” is so much better than saying the wrong thing. This wasn’t my loss, it was my children’s and grandchildren’s. My loss happened years ago with the death of the marriage. Most people mean well with their words, so keep that in mind. Expressions come from people who genuinely love and care, so appreciate the sentiment behind it.

·         Be gracious! To everyone, be gracious! Within divorce and remarriage, you’ll be confronted with current spouses, mutual friends, and former in-laws. Be gracious at all times. Some issues may need to be talked about and addressed, but do it with it with kindness. If someone is venting or vomiting their poison on you, walk away.

·         Be considerate of current spouses. The majority of people at the memorial were people that knew me and my kids, and most didn’t really know Jerry – they were there in support of my children. I’m grateful Gladys, Jerry’s wife, was treated with kindness and respect. She’s a genuinely nice woman. However, my husband, Jeff, found it extremely difficult to sit through the service, especially the slide show that had many pictures of me with Jerry when our children were younger. If Jeff had his preferences, he wouldn’t have gone. He went out of love and support for me. Jeff and I know there was no way around a slide show with me in it, and would never have requested anything to the contrary. If you are faced with similar circumstances, be understanding. The memorial service isn’t about you.

·         I’ll repeat: It isn’t about you! It’s to remember and honor the deceased, and show love and support for the family. Everyone expresses their grief and emotions differently. We understand that. But it takes away from the purpose of a memorial service when a person dramatizes their grief to make themselves the star of the show. It’s childish and rude. Sob as loudly as you want or need to, no one will fault you for that. But it’s usually obvious when you are behaving in a way that discredits your grief. Behavior like that only adds to the grief of family and friends.

·         Lastly, I’m just stating a fact and not a lesson I learned. The week between Jerry’s passing and the memorial service was extremely stressful for me. Although Jeff and I had discussed several times what we would do when our ex’s passed, with the agreement that we would be there for our children, I discovered I really didn’t want to be there. I just did not want to. I did not want my family to be distracted by my presence – again, one of the difficulties of divorce. Since mutual friends and my brother planned to attend and expected to see me,  I felt I needed to be there.

I was given the opportunity to say something to Jerry, via phone held to his ear, as he was dying. Caught off guard, my mind reeled for a split second, then I managed to choke out, “Thank you for giving me five beautiful children, and I’ll see you in heaven.” We're convinced Jerry made his peace with God.

In the previous statements, I am not saying these things happened in this particular circumstance. It's my observation from now, and times of loss for others. To my husband, Jeff, you are my hero in how you handled the whole situation. I thank God every day for you.

Death of an Ex-Spouse

Where do you, or any writer, get ideas from? Do you do lots of research on a subject you’re not familiar with (military, war, politics, medical)? Or are you like me and write from personal experience, or the experiences of those you know?

In my book Like A Cedar In Lebanon one of the main characters is Lebby who is young, sweet, and naïve. She suffers abuse, control and manipulation by Jack. I understood how Lebby felt, and would feel, in her situation because I had experienced it. Jerry was my Jack.

Jerry died suddenly, unexpectedly last Friday, four days ago. The father of my children, my husband for twenty-two years, and yet we were strangers to each other. Those twenty-two years produced more bad memories than good, and when he left – for I could not leave, no matter how much I wanted to – I was relieved, happy, set free.

God brought healing and eventual forgiveness into my heart. It wasn’t an easy process. I’ve been remarried for almost nineteen years, happily married, and blessed. My heart aches for my children, though. I watch them grieve and I have no words to say. People have said to me (several times), “I’m sorry for your loss.” I have no response other than, “Thank you.” What I don’t say is I don’t feel a loss, at least not in that sense. But I am sad. Sad for my children, sad for Jerry’s wife, Gladys (a good woman), sad for the life he lived.

Jerry loved to the best of his ability, trying to be a good father despite the lack of a good father in his life. I never doubted he loved our kids. I know he didn’t know how to be a good husband. He could have had he given God control of his life. How very sad that so many live their lives troubled and unfulfilled by not surrendering to the love and care of a Heavenly Father.

Jerry’s gone, and I have mixed feelings. All the bad memories have surfaced; things I thought I had made my peace with. But life is a series of choices, so I choose to be there for my children -- to be thankful for the five children that came from our marriage, for the depth of God’s love I experienced because of the dire circumstances in my marriage, the lessons I learned, and the fodder it has given me for writing.

RIP Jerry!